What A Sick Person Wants Others To Know And Understand

I am sick.  Don't tell me to be positive because I try too everyday.  I try so hard to be positive that it is exhausting.

Just because I have makeup on and my hair done and I look healthy it does not mean that I am.  It simply means that I am trying everything in my power to not look like I am sick.  Why would I want everyone staring at me and knowing I am sick.

I have good days and bad days.  On my good days I laugh and smile and want to go do things with others.  I seem extremely alive and healthy on my good days because I am.  This is my true self coming out when it is not overshadowed by illness.

On my bad days I keep to myself because I don't want to drag anybody else down.  I don't feel like doing anything and I don't want to ruin someone else's opportunities.

I am not pretending or trying to get attention.  I am sick!

Also pretending to be healthy exhausts me so it is usually best to be alone.

Of course deep down what I long for is a husband or friend or both  to be there with me who doesn't expect me to act healthy on days when I am sick.  Someone who is okay with me just being myself and resting and me not having to worry about entertaining them so that they are not bored.  Someone who doesn't take me being sick as a personal attack on themselves.  Someone strong enough to do their own thing when I can't do it with them. Yet someone loving enough to remember that in a day or two I will have a good day or maybe even a good week :)

This is what I long for but until I find this I just find it easier and less exhausting

 to just be alone .

This way I am not letting anyone down, holding anybody back or nor am I exhausting myself.