Today

Today has been a really busy day for me and I am just now able to wind down and relax.  In all honesty I have been a bit sad all day long.  Not the kind of sad that makes me burst into tears but the kind that just kind of nags at me and causes me to settle into extra long stares into nowhere.  Nothing major going on just a feeling of longing.
I had some great laughs today though with my coworkers and truthfully all is well and there is really not too much to be sad about.
I am anticipating tomorrow because I am going on my first official Sedona hike :)  I have heard so much about the vortexes and am anxious to see if I feel any different while near them.  I will definitely inform you as to what happens.
Never heard of the Sedona vortexes?  Well here ya go...
http://gosw.about.com/od/sedonaarizona/a/sedonavortex.htm

Nothing is ever good enough so...

Just like that today is another day and I am feeling this song.  Hope you enjoy...

About a year ago I realized...
I am never good enough for anybody who has ever been in my life-ever.  Never have been.  Not once that I can recall.  What do I mean?
If I make A's then I think I am smarter than everyone.  If I don't make A's well then I am not living up to my potential.  If I weigh 120 I should way 110 and then if I weigh 110 I looked better at 120.  If I have sex with someone I am a slut if I don't have sex well then I am a tease.  If I have sex with someone 7 times a day I should be having sex 8 times a day.  If I express myself I talk too much if I become quiet then I am ignoring people.   If I work I am working too much if I don't work I am lazy.  If I have nice things I am materialistic if I don't focus on nice things then I have no ambition.  If I grow my hair out it looked better short if I cut it well then it made my face look better long.  If I'm kind then I'm boring if I'm mean then I'm a bitch.
I do not understand how I as a person am supposed to be able to withstand this over a lifetime without cracking under the pressure.  I have cracked, I cracked about a year ago.  So now I am learning to live my life even though I am broken.
So I told myself that whatever it is that I was supposed to be to others in this life well I missed the mark and if I haven't hit it yet with all the effort I have put in, then it is likely I never will hit the mark.
Then to make matters worse I realized I'm not even good enough for myself!  Talk about a hard pill to swallow!  
Yet in this moment I do feel good enough for myself.  After all it is just myself and my cat here in the room.  So do I feel good enough in this moment?  Yes I do.  I feel happy, I feel attractive, I feel loving, I feel intelligent.  Lol and who is here to give me a different opinion?  Nobody :)

Management

Alright if I am going to write  about healing I have to start somewhere.  I haven't had much to say as far as the written word for awhile.  However, I know in order to get going again you just gotta get something down on a consistent basis so here goes ;)
As I stated in an earlier blog music can be healing in so many ways.  I like to use various songs to coincide with whatever I have going on inside. * Important not the other way around!  I do not listen to songs and allow them to dictate how I feel instead I pay close attention to what I am feeling inside and try to find music that speaks to that emotion or mood.
Anger!  It can be destructive or it can be channeled into an extremely powerful motivating force rivaled by no other.  It is a challenge learning how to feel anger without releasing it in extreme ways that cause chaos and unhappiness.  I am trying to learn to not let the actions of others dictate my feelings but cmon I am in a human suit just like the rest of you.




a) The more I LEARN the redder it gets.

b) One particular line in this song makes sense to what I am dealing with in so many ways  "You used to beg me to take care of things, then smile at the thought of me failing."
I choose not to write out the full details of the situations I am talking about here, it goes way back into childhood territory.  I need to write this out somewhere though in length just for myself.  That is the great thing about writing, you can choose to go all out or not.  I think I have learned that it is sometimes best to not share every detail but still write enough to where others can relate.


First comes the acceptance that you are feeling pain.  To try and lie to yourself and say that you don't care and that you are not attached to any of it is useless until you work through all of your emotions and can say that you are not attached and truly mean it.

 Second comes the anger in having to deal with that pain and sometimes not knowing what to do with it.

My personal belief is that if you want to heal then you have to be willing to face every part of yourself including the parts that make you sick to your stomach.

November Rain Heals

I truly believe that when a piece of music touches us deeply that it produces healing.  I have been a Guns n Roses fan since I was 14 years old.  Not everyone's cup of tea I know :) however this song is so healing for me and tonight is a night for softly walking in the November Rain.

Feeling Grateful

I am feeling so grateful this evening and want to share.  Praise God for the blessings that are provided for me I am just so thankful.
This evening for my dinner I broiled some whole tomatoes drizzled with olive oil, Italian seasoning, sea salt and pepper.  Absolutely delicious, so delicious that I had to share some with my cat and she really enjoyed it as well.
Big deal you say so you had some tomatoes.  Well, what makes this dinner so wonderful is that these fruits were given to me by a friend with a gracious, loving open heart.  She and her husband grew them. That is what makes this dinner so wonderful...to be given something freely without resentment or manipulation feels so wonderful that it immediately puts me into a grateful state of mind.