Thursday, August 7, 2014



That Feeling

That feeling that comes over me when I realize just how twisted and confused my mind has been about certain things!
When my mind is twisted and distorted my behaviors are obviously going to show it.
Tell me how I have been able to open up in the past to share my body sexually with someone when I was not even able to do natural human activities around them comfortably?
If I am not able to poop with you in the house or pass gas or burp when I need to why would I think it is ok to have sex with you?
Sex is the same as any of these other things that we simply need to do is it not? Sex is simply a need that the body has, a natural function.
It is society's stupidity that has twisted it into something more, something dirty or something to be obsessed about.
From now on I am only going to open up sexually to someone with whom I am able to be completely human with.
If I can't burp around you, if I can't bleed once a month comfortably around you then I sure as heck don't need to be sticking my tongue in your mouth.
Oh and this one is huge...if I can't sleep when you are around me ir in my environment lol then there is absolutely no sane reason for me to be messing with you.
These hang ups are my problems and I am taking responsibility for them as of today.
It's all or nothing darlin :)

Monday, July 28, 2014

This Is It

How is it possible to narrow all the choices down to one favorite movie scene when there are so many to choose from?
I have done it though. This is definitely my all time favorite movie scene.


Whenever too many things are happening in my life that are out of my control (which is quite often) I take my control back if possible.
Rather than focusing on what is out of my control I choose things that I have complete say so over and put my attention only on them.
For example, I have a lot going on right now so tonight I completely rearranged my closet and organized my bedroom a bit.
3 glorious hours of only being focused on this activity gave my mind a much needed break from my troubles.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Thoughts About This Quote

I thought about this quote for a bit...

I decided that yes this is true.  It doesn't seem like that big of a statement until you really think about it for a bit.
How many friends do you have that actually still love you when you stop feeling things that you have always felt or start feeling things that you have never felt before in their presence?
Will they still love you if you aren't exhibiting any loving feelings towards them? What if u are feeling like you can't relate to them or that you don't like them or want to be around them anymore? Will they accept the way you feel and still love you?
Will the friendship survive, will the love remain through disinterest, hurt,seperation etc?
There have been very few people in my life who have actually just accepted me despite whatever I am feeling or not feeling. 
Obviously most people can handle my nice side but cannot or will not survive my mean/cold side. It's all good as long as I am smiling and telling them they are the best but the minute I pull back and feel a negative emotion or feel a lack of warmth towards them that was once there, all crumbles.
My cold side is just as intense as my warm side. When I feel I really feel and I allow myself the freedom to feel all my emotions rather than just a select few.  
 I cherish those moments and those people that love me through it all no matter what.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Unknown Reasons

Sometimes an event will happen that causes me to be brought into that mental and spiritual space that I would describe as The Humbling.
Just when I think I am pathetic, useless and don't have any real and lasting effect on those around me an event will happen that causes me to re-think it all.
The described event in which I am speaking of causes me to feel as if I am meant to be exactly where I am at at that exact time.
When I experience this I always feel humbled as well as completely mind blown at the same time.
I had an event like this happen to me last night.
I am going to write of it in my personal memoirs so that I will never forget it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A New Favorite

I recently heard this song and adored it instantly.
I am so impressed with the purity.
The ultimate feel good, fall in sweetly innocent love song :)

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Blind Obedience

I feel that part of the healing process requires us to question everything.
Who are you obedient to and why?

Friday, July 11, 2014

love it

Depression Again I Thought I Was Over It

I noticed a few days ago that I had let myself slip into depression again.  I believe this is because I have gotten out of my self discipline routines.
I moved recently so I am out of my regular environment which means I completely dismissed all of my regular routines.
Sometimes dismissing routine can be good for me but not so much when these were what was helping me feel healthier.
I feel this overwhelming need to get everything back on track but the depression and sickness I am feeling hinders me from taking the actions I need to take.
I feel like starting to write in this blog again just might be the first step towards not accepting this depression back into my life.

Saturday, April 12, 2014


The family movie that is playing on tv is Alice In Wonderland.
I know it is weird but I have never been able to sit through the cartoon or movie Alice In Wonderland cause it scares me.
Literally terrifies me!

Past Love

Friday, April 4, 2014

Stick Together

Cracked Me Up

This made me giggle cause it is so true :) we don't usually get to do all these cutesy things unless we are with extremely strong men.
Don't worry ladies there are men strong enough to do this stuff with us too.  I know by past experience ;)


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Don't Be

If you don't mind being these things then I guess it is okay but if you do mind and you tolerate it, over time it wears on you in a negative way.  Be careful.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Attitude Matters

Being Ignored

Thank You to everyone who has abused me by ignoring me and shunning me.  I will know to never ever treat someone that I love in this way! 
It is a sickening behavior! 
 I will know to stay far away from people who ignore me as a way to punish me or to not solve a problem that they have with me when I have upset them.

Always Remember

Monday, March 31, 2014

What It's Truly About

For Those Struggling With Guilt About Their Illness

I Don't

I don't like to share my cake ;) usually I would rather have no cake at all than to have to share my piece of it.
If I am like this with cake just imagine how I am with a man that I am in love with.  If I gotta share him with you then you can just go ahead and have him cause I am not willing to share.  Take him cause he is all yours.


Sunday, March 30, 2014


Now that I am able to physically see where I have inherited certain physical characteristics the thought of plastic surgery seems so absurd.
I remember how I used to really want a nose job when I was younger. Are you kidding me?  Now the thought of changing my beautiful nose that my dad gave to me just seems so ABSURD!
I would laugh so hard in someone's face if they ever suggested I get a nose job :D


I Enjoy It

I enjoy this song and video cause it is so true to how the older generation expects one to behave.  We don't do this as much anymore in this generation.  We are more tell it like it really is. 
She did a fabulous job!


oops I posted the wrong song earlier,


Even When



Wednesday, March 26, 2014



If you want to send your daughters to whore school well then keep letting them watch and listen to this garbage.
The beats are great which is what draws you in but look at their nasty ways and attitudes.  Mind control at its finest!

Please Stop

I don't have anything against different body types, people are who they are.  However, please stop pushing these twisted images to us!
This image was in my news feed today and I was like "who are you trying to convince cause I am not buying what you are selling."
In Jan and April she looks normal and healthy.  November's picture looks like she just spent hard time in a concentration camp for whores and was let out on good behavior.
Disgusting, please stop spreading these gross images to us!


Tonight was one of the best nights of my life. Literally!  I have been talking with my dad ever since I found him but tonight was really quite special to us.
When we talk I feel like I can be myself and I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not.  He doesn't judge me, he doesn't make me feel bad about myself or the choices I've made in my life.
I told him about my "bad" years and he comforted me by saying, "Mija that was just your survival skills kicking in that's all."
I actually connect with him when we are talking.  We both laugh, cry and also get serious when it is time during our conversation.  We don't small talk lol we talk deeply and sincerely. 
I just feel complete in a way that I have never felt before in my entire life and now I can understand why I desperately wanted to know him so much all my life.  It is as if there was a part of me that just knew that I needed to know him and there was nothing or no one who could convince me otherwise.
I know this phrase is so overused, "I just can't put it into words" but this is the truth.  The connection and communication between us is beyond being able to word it with my simple vocabulary skills.
Thank you for these moments in my life.  I am so grateful that I feel like gratitude and I are one conscious, breathing energy.
Thank you Father for giving me this experience because of this I am truly set apart.


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I Just Have To Share This One

Like the description says...there is always that one who is a little um "different"  LOL but I feel sorry for those other little goats


So True

The more that I learn what is going on in our world, the more my sanity is challenged.

Last Night

Last night I was excited to start making my chocolate cherry trifle.  I opened up a can of cherries and took a huge bite when all of the sudden I was like these don't taste right.  They tasted awful!
So as I am sitting the can down I catch a glimpse of the outside of it and it says "made with splenda."
Are you kidding me?  As if I want to eat poisoned cherry trifle, not even.
So next time I guess I will have to get fresh cherries if I can find them.
I baked the cake and ate it with cream though :) pretty good.
Is it bad that I had it for breakfast?  Yes probably but it is not an everyday thing.


Saturday, March 22, 2014

I Finally Understand

After talking with my dad for so long today I finally understand my mom more than ever! 
It is impossible to resist loving him.  He is hilarious, intelligent, sincere and charming all at once!
I just couldn't help but imagine my mom young and silly and falling immediately in love with him without being able to ever stop it from happening.
I was able to tell him many things and to find out the answers to questions I had for so long.  I was able to tell him that my mom always loved him even though he didn't love her back.
For the first time I feel that although things were chaotic and unfair for me and her, how truly special it was for my mom to be given a baby from the man she adored.
I understand the words to this song so much more now and why my mom always said this was my song :)  before I always found it extremely sad but now I can see and feel the depth of it all as a big picture instead of just focusing on the sliver of sadness.



All my anger and sadness over these past years are real but I am willing to put it in the past.
When it is all said and done I am not that tough really I am just happy to have a dad :)




Wall Climbing Goats


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Things That Make Me Contemplate

Tonight at dance class...
I'm sitting there waiting for it to begin.  There are 2 kids there somewhere around the age of 10,  I am guessing.  They were good friends.  The little girl was mixed black and white, a little bit on the chubby side but not too much, she had naturally curly hair that was wild, free and beautiful, she wore a vibrant eclectic mix of colors.  The little boy was Asian, a little bit darker skinned than the girl and he was very neat and conservative in appearance.
They started talking to me and informed me that they had rode their bicycles all the way there together so that the little girl could dance.  The little boy said, "I am just here to video tape her but I don't dance."  The little girl smiled from ear to ear.
The teacher informed them they needed $7 each to attend and they had thought it was free.  I didn't bring any extra money for them so I couldn't help out.
The little girl says, "cmon let's go."  The little boy says, "No I am tired let's just wait a bit."
The little girl patiently waits for a few minutes and then says, "Daniel, cmon let's go."  He smiles lifts his arm and says, " Pull me up."  She giggles tries to pull him up but can't because he is not helping, he falls to the floor and lays there, won't move and says, I just want to lay here come down here it feels good."  She then starts repeatedly saying, "Daniel please" while trying to move him and he just lays there and smiles while she is increasingly getting more frustrated.
At some point while she is giggling and trying to move him he becomes convinced she has torn his hat so he starts to get mad.  She swears his hat didn't tear but he says, "Yes it did."
So she very calmly says," I am sorry Daniel, I am always having to apologize to you.  I feel like such a failure."
At this point I am sitting here like huh how can you say and feel these things when you are only 10!
Her "failure" statement seems to motivate him or somehow make him feel like she has suffered enough so he gets up off the floor and they happily start running to the door all smiles and giggles.
They turn around to tell me bye and then run outside together to their bikes.


Which One