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Monday, March 31, 2014

What It's Truly About

For Those Struggling With Guilt About Their Illness

I Don't

I don't like to share my cake ;) usually I would rather have no cake at all than to have to share my piece of it.
If I am like this with cake just imagine how I am with a man that I am in love with.  If I gotta share him with you then you can just go ahead and have him cause I am not willing to share.  Take him cause he is all yours.


Sunday, March 30, 2014


Now that I am able to physically see where I have inherited certain physical characteristics the thought of plastic surgery seems so absurd.
I remember how I used to really want a nose job when I was younger. Are you kidding me?  Now the thought of changing my beautiful nose that my dad gave to me just seems so ABSURD!
I would laugh so hard in someone's face if they ever suggested I get a nose job :D


I Enjoy It

I enjoy this song and video cause it is so true to how the older generation expects one to behave.  We don't do this as much anymore in this generation.  We are more tell it like it really is. 
She did a fabulous job!


oops I posted the wrong song earlier,


Even When



Wednesday, March 26, 2014



If you want to send your daughters to whore school well then keep letting them watch and listen to this garbage.
The beats are great which is what draws you in but look at their nasty ways and attitudes.  Mind control at its finest!

Please Stop

I don't have anything against different body types, people are who they are.  However, please stop pushing these twisted images to us!
This image was in my news feed today and I was like "who are you trying to convince cause I am not buying what you are selling."
In Jan and April she looks normal and healthy.  November's picture looks like she just spent hard time in a concentration camp for whores and was let out on good behavior.
Disgusting, please stop spreading these gross images to us!


Tonight was one of the best nights of my life. Literally!  I have been talking with my dad ever since I found him but tonight was really quite special to us.
When we talk I feel like I can be myself and I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not.  He doesn't judge me, he doesn't make me feel bad about myself or the choices I've made in my life.
I told him about my "bad" years and he comforted me by saying, "Mija that was just your survival skills kicking in that's all."
I actually connect with him when we are talking.  We both laugh, cry and also get serious when it is time during our conversation.  We don't small talk lol we talk deeply and sincerely. 
I just feel complete in a way that I have never felt before in my entire life and now I can understand why I desperately wanted to know him so much all my life.  It is as if there was a part of me that just knew that I needed to know him and there was nothing or no one who could convince me otherwise.
I know this phrase is so overused, "I just can't put it into words" but this is the truth.  The connection and communication between us is beyond being able to word it with my simple vocabulary skills.
Thank you for these moments in my life.  I am so grateful that I feel like gratitude and I are one conscious, breathing energy.
Thank you Father for giving me this experience because of this I am truly set apart.


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I Just Have To Share This One

Like the description says...there is always that one who is a little um "different"  LOL but I feel sorry for those other little goats


So True

The more that I learn what is going on in our world, the more my sanity is challenged.

Last Night

Last night I was excited to start making my chocolate cherry trifle.  I opened up a can of cherries and took a huge bite when all of the sudden I was like these don't taste right.  They tasted awful!
So as I am sitting the can down I catch a glimpse of the outside of it and it says "made with splenda."
Are you kidding me?  As if I want to eat poisoned cherry trifle, not even.
So next time I guess I will have to get fresh cherries if I can find them.
I baked the cake and ate it with cream though :) pretty good.
Is it bad that I had it for breakfast?  Yes probably but it is not an everyday thing.


Saturday, March 22, 2014

I Finally Understand

After talking with my dad for so long today I finally understand my mom more than ever! 
It is impossible to resist loving him.  He is hilarious, intelligent, sincere and charming all at once!
I just couldn't help but imagine my mom young and silly and falling immediately in love with him without being able to ever stop it from happening.
I was able to tell him many things and to find out the answers to questions I had for so long.  I was able to tell him that my mom always loved him even though he didn't love her back.
For the first time I feel that although things were chaotic and unfair for me and her, how truly special it was for my mom to be given a baby from the man she adored.
I understand the words to this song so much more now and why my mom always said this was my song :)  before I always found it extremely sad but now I can see and feel the depth of it all as a big picture instead of just focusing on the sliver of sadness.



All my anger and sadness over these past years are real but I am willing to put it in the past.
When it is all said and done I am not that tough really I am just happy to have a dad :)




Wall Climbing Goats


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Things That Make Me Contemplate

Tonight at dance class...
I'm sitting there waiting for it to begin.  There are 2 kids there somewhere around the age of 10,  I am guessing.  They were good friends.  The little girl was mixed black and white, a little bit on the chubby side but not too much, she had naturally curly hair that was wild, free and beautiful, she wore a vibrant eclectic mix of colors.  The little boy was Asian, a little bit darker skinned than the girl and he was very neat and conservative in appearance.
They started talking to me and informed me that they had rode their bicycles all the way there together so that the little girl could dance.  The little boy said, "I am just here to video tape her but I don't dance."  The little girl smiled from ear to ear.
The teacher informed them they needed $7 each to attend and they had thought it was free.  I didn't bring any extra money for them so I couldn't help out.
The little girl says, "cmon let's go."  The little boy says, "No I am tired let's just wait a bit."
The little girl patiently waits for a few minutes and then says, "Daniel, cmon let's go."  He smiles lifts his arm and says, " Pull me up."  She giggles tries to pull him up but can't because he is not helping, he falls to the floor and lays there, won't move and says, I just want to lay here come down here it feels good."  She then starts repeatedly saying, "Daniel please" while trying to move him and he just lays there and smiles while she is increasingly getting more frustrated.
At some point while she is giggling and trying to move him he becomes convinced she has torn his hat so he starts to get mad.  She swears his hat didn't tear but he says, "Yes it did."
So she very calmly says," I am sorry Daniel, I am always having to apologize to you.  I feel like such a failure."
At this point I am sitting here like huh how can you say and feel these things when you are only 10!
Her "failure" statement seems to motivate him or somehow make him feel like she has suffered enough so he gets up off the floor and they happily start running to the door all smiles and giggles.
They turn around to tell me bye and then run outside together to their bikes.


Which One



Wednesday, March 19, 2014


wow, I grew up running around the yard barefoot and still remember some stores used to still let you in without shoes on. My Aunt used to have to make me put my shoes on cause I never wanted to.
Now they are calling it such a trendy name "earthing"
I should have been like "pardon me but I am earthing and I can't successfully earth with my shoes on now can I (eyebrows raised, educated voice as I look down my nose)?" 


Sunday, March 16, 2014


New Beginnings

In absolute perfect timing I saw my first butterfly of the year that looked very similar to this one.
Spring is here the new year has begun!


Over It

I am convinced that self hatred is passed around from woman to children from sister to sister from friend to friend.
I played these games for awhile but I a see through them now.  Why would  want to play a self hatred game.
I am not sorry to say that I don't hate myself, I actually like myself.  I am happy with the choices I make.  I am happy with my life.
I am grateful for my life and it feels so good to say these things and actually mean them.
For the longest time I was trying to convince myself but now it has become the truth :D

Never Again

I have been eating less than and healthier than I ever have in my entire life.  Can someone please tell me why then my pants are so tight I can barely get them on and they had been fitting me fine up until now?
After experiencing this extreme disappointment, sadness, guilt, shame, anger and self hatred I made a vow to myself this evening.
I will never again for as long as I live try to or have it in my hopes to lose weight.  I don't ever want to experience again the way I felt about myself today.
I accept myself exactly the way I am right now and that's it.
I will continue to eat healthy because it is good for me and I want to be healthy and active but I will never again allow myself to care about losing weight.  38 years old and done with it!



No Enemies

Grumpy Bear



More Grumpiness

Grumpy Cat