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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It's the Little Things

It's the little things ya know like wearing a pair of cat house slippers and chasing my cat around in them hee hee!  She hates these  slippers!





Monday, December 10, 2012

Divine Feminine

I feel that in order for me to heal I have to look inward and be willing to be who I am.  I have to come out of my disguises and allow myself to just be.
I decided to take a day and adorn myself in the way I truly feel inside.  So the other day I put on my beautiful dress that I had hidden away for many years (never worn).  I did my hair and makeup and just enjoyed the feelings of being able to be myself .  I honored my creator for choosing me to be a divine female.






Saturday, December 1, 2012

One Big Universe


Boynton Canyon Vortex

Today my friend Fran volunteered to be my guide on my first official Sedona hike.  I was curious to experience vortex energy to see what it was like.  Fran is a kind woman, with a soft, pretty smile and a way about her that makes me feel at ease.  She also happens to be 25 years older than myself and I have to admit that I do feel mothered by her at times which I truly enjoy.
When asked which vortex site I wanted to visit I told her to choose for me whichever one she felt best for me at this time.  She chose and we took off in her jeep and headed out to Boynton Canyon.  I felt like I was on an adventure and really didn't know what to expect.
I took it slow during the hike trying to be careful not to twist my ankle even worse.  by even worse I mean that for some reason although my broken leg has healed my ankle is still very sensitive and causes me problems at the most random times.
Before going I was excited to blog about my vortex experience.  I expected to come back and write out every single detail of what happened, what I felt, what I learned etc.  Oddly though while there I immediately knew that what I was learning was solely for me to know and understand, not to be shared with anyone else.  So be it.

This is not my video, it is a video I copied off of youtube just to show what Boynton Canyon looks like.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Today

Today has been a really busy day for me and I am just now able to wind down and relax.  In all honesty I have been a bit sad all day long.  Not the kind of sad that makes me burst into tears but the kind that just kind of nags at me and causes me to settle into extra long stares into nowhere.  Nothing major going on just a feeling of longing.
I had some great laughs today though with my coworkers and truthfully all is well and there is really not too much to be sad about.
I am anticipating tomorrow because I am going on my first official Sedona hike :)  I have heard so much about the vortexes and am anxious to see if I feel any different while near them.  I will definitely inform you as to what happens.
Never heard of the Sedona vortexes?  Well here ya go...
http://gosw.about.com/od/sedonaarizona/a/sedonavortex.htm

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Nothing is ever good enough so...

Just like that today is another day and I am feeling this song.  Hope you enjoy...
About a year ago I realized...
I am never good enough for anybody who has ever been in my life-ever.  Never have been.  Not once that I can recall.  What do I mean?
If I make A's then I think I am smarter than everyone.  If I don't make A's well then I am not living up to my potential.  If I weigh 120 I should way 110 and then if I weigh 110 I looked better at 120.  If I have sex with someone I am a slut if I don't have sex well then I am a tease.  If I have sex with someone 7 times a day I should be having sex 8 times a day.  If I express myself I talk too much if I become quiet then I am ignoring people.   If I work I am working too much if I don't work I am lazy.  If I have nice things I am materialistic if I don't focus on nice things then I have no ambition.  If I grow my hair out it looked better short if I cut it well then it made my face look better long.  If I'm kind then I'm boring if I'm mean then I'm a bitch.
I do not understand how I as a person am supposed to be able to withstand this over a lifetime without cracking under the pressure.  I have cracked, I cracked about a year ago.  So now I am learning to live my life even though I am broken.

So I told myself that whatever it is that I was supposed to be to others in this life well I missed the mark and if I haven't hit it yet with all the effort I have put in, then it is likely I never will hit the mark.
Then to make matters worse I realized I'm not even good enough for myself!  Talk about a hard pill to swallow!  
Yet in this moment I do feel good enough for myself.  After all it is just myself and my cat here in the room.  So do I feel good enough in this moment?  Yes I do.  I feel happy, I feel attractive, I feel loving, I feel intelligent.  Lol and who is here to give me a different opinion?  Nobody :)

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Management

Alright if I am going to write  about healing I have to start somewhere.  I haven't had much to say as far as the written word for awhile.  However, I know in order to get going again you just gotta get something down on a consistent basis so here goes ;)
As I stated in an earlier blog music can be healing in so many ways.  I like to use various songs to coincide with whatever I have going on inside. * Important not the other way around!  I do not listen to songs and allow them to dictate how I feel instead I pay close attention to what I am feeling inside and try to find music that speaks to that emotion or mood.
Anger!  It can be destructive or it can be channeled into an extremely powerful motivating force rivaled by no other.  It is a challenge learning how to feel anger without releasing it in extreme ways that cause chaos and unhappiness.  I am trying to learn to not let the actions of others dictate my feelings but cmon I am in a human suit just like the rest of you.




a) The more I LEARN the redder it gets.

b) One particular line in this song makes sense to what I am dealing with in so many ways  "You used to beg me to take care of things, then smile at the thought of me failing."
I choose not to write out the full details of the situations I am talking about here, it goes way back into childhood territory.  I need to write this out somewhere though in length just for myself.  That is the great thing about writing, you can choose to go all out or not.  I think I have learned that it is sometimes best to not share every detail but still write enough to where others can relate.


First comes the acceptance that you are feeling pain.  To try and lie to yourself and say that you don't care and that you are not attached to any of it is useless until you work through all of your emotions and can say that you are not attached and truly mean it.

 Second comes the anger in having to deal with that pain and sometimes not knowing what to do with it.


My personal belief is that if you want to heal then you have to be willing to face every part of yourself including the parts that make you sick to your stomach.



Tuesday, November 13, 2012

November Rain Heals

I truly believe that when a piece of music touches us deeply that it produces healing.  I have been a Guns n Roses fan since I was 14 years old.  Not everyone's cup of tea I know :) however this song is so healing for me and tonight is a night for softly walking in the November Rain.


Monday, November 12, 2012

Feeling Grateful

I am feeling so grateful this evening and want to share.  Praise God for the blessings that are provided for me I am just so thankful.
This evening for my dinner I broiled some whole tomatoes drizzled with olive oil, Italian seasoning, sea salt and pepper.  Absolutely delicious, so delicious that I had to share some with my cat and she really enjoyed it as well.
Big deal you say so you had some tomatoes.  Well, what makes this dinner so wonderful is that these fruits were given to me by a friend with a gracious, loving open heart.  She and her husband grew them. That is what makes this dinner so wonderful...to be given something freely without resentment or manipulation feels so wonderful that it immediately puts me into a grateful state of mind. 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Image Therapy

Viewing beautiful images can change my mood instantly.  I like to view an image and contemplate what feelings arise in me and try to figure out what message the artist is trying to communicate.
Here is a link to a beautiful image called healing waters...
http://fineartamerica.com/featured/healing-waters-carol-cavalaris.html

Honesty

I understand that healing requires honesty.  This can be scary at first but it starts with just learning how to be honest with yourself.  So when you think about it honesty isn't really scary at all.  Everyday I get better as I practice this unique form of self love.  If I notice that I am attempting to fool myself I put a stop to it as quickly as I can. 
The funny thing is now that I am practicing honesty towards myself I find that the slings and arrows from not being accepted by others just doesn't matter as much to me as it used to.  I feel at peace when I am in my company instead of discomforted.  At this stage I seem to enjoy my own company and the companionship of wildlife and pets because I don't feel any pressure to entertain, explain myself  or be liked as I do when around other people. 
 I resisted and resented spending time alone for many years because I felt as if it was a strange and unloving way to be.  Quite truthfully in the beginning I was forced to be alone due to loved ones shunning my presence which really hurt at first.  As time went on I began to feel relieved rather than hurt.  I feared becoming a hermit but now I am am learning to embrace my hermit like tendencies. 


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A Healing Reality

This blog is part of my healing process.  I intend to share some of my thoughts and discoveries in hopes of not only helping myself through the healing process but also as a friendly meeting place for others who are healing as well.