Just like that today is another day and I am feeling this song. Hope you enjoy...
About a year ago I realized...
I am never good enough for anybody who has ever been in my life-ever. Never have been. Not once that I can recall. What do I mean?
If I make A's then I think I am smarter than everyone. If I don't make A's well then I am not living up to my potential. If I weigh 120 I should way 110 and then if I weigh 110 I looked better at 120. If I have sex with someone I am a slut if I don't have sex well then I am a tease. If I have sex with someone 7 times a day I should be having sex 8 times a day. If I express myself I talk too much if I become quiet then I am ignoring people. If I work I am working too much if I don't work I am lazy. If I have nice things I am materialistic if I don't focus on nice things then I have no ambition. If I grow my hair out it looked better short if I cut it well then it made my face look better long. If I'm kind then I'm boring if I'm mean then I'm a bitch.
I do not understand how I as a person am supposed to be able to withstand this over a lifetime without cracking under the pressure. I have cracked, I cracked about a year ago. So now I am learning to live my life even though I am broken.
So I told myself that whatever it is that I was supposed to be to others in this life well I missed the mark and if I haven't hit it yet with all the effort I have put in, then it is likely I never will hit the mark.
Then to make matters worse I realized I'm not even good enough for myself! Talk about a hard pill to swallow!
Yet in this moment I do feel good enough for myself. After all it is just myself and my cat here in the room. So do I feel good enough in this moment? Yes I do. I feel happy, I feel attractive, I feel loving, I feel intelligent. Lol and who is here to give me a different opinion? Nobody :)
I am never good enough for anybody who has ever been in my life-ever. Never have been. Not once that I can recall. What do I mean?
If I make A's then I think I am smarter than everyone. If I don't make A's well then I am not living up to my potential. If I weigh 120 I should way 110 and then if I weigh 110 I looked better at 120. If I have sex with someone I am a slut if I don't have sex well then I am a tease. If I have sex with someone 7 times a day I should be having sex 8 times a day. If I express myself I talk too much if I become quiet then I am ignoring people. If I work I am working too much if I don't work I am lazy. If I have nice things I am materialistic if I don't focus on nice things then I have no ambition. If I grow my hair out it looked better short if I cut it well then it made my face look better long. If I'm kind then I'm boring if I'm mean then I'm a bitch.
I do not understand how I as a person am supposed to be able to withstand this over a lifetime without cracking under the pressure. I have cracked, I cracked about a year ago. So now I am learning to live my life even though I am broken.
So I told myself that whatever it is that I was supposed to be to others in this life well I missed the mark and if I haven't hit it yet with all the effort I have put in, then it is likely I never will hit the mark.
Then to make matters worse I realized I'm not even good enough for myself! Talk about a hard pill to swallow!
Yet in this moment I do feel good enough for myself. After all it is just myself and my cat here in the room. So do I feel good enough in this moment? Yes I do. I feel happy, I feel attractive, I feel loving, I feel intelligent. Lol and who is here to give me a different opinion? Nobody :)
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